By Anne Taylor
“Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery – the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents should teach their children to subordinate the “material and instinctual dimensions to interior and spiritual ones.” Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children. By knowing how to acknowledge their own failings to their children, parents will be better able to guide and correct them…” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, nº 2.223)
The first time I read this I wept realizing my own failings not only as a parent, but as a child of God. As a poorly catechized cradle Catholic surrounded by a myriad of childhood distractions I was, admittedly not always right with the Church.
Like many, running away from confronting pain, after twenty years of being away, I was received back into His arms through a sacramental marriage. That marriage provided more graces than I could have imagined. Where I once thought I was exercising my “freedom” I found that false concept of “freedom” resulted in the costly mistakes, shame, and ignorance. In my new found relationship with Him these feelings were replaced through prayer, trust, and a heavy dose of the sacraments. Make no mistake about it, cultivating that grace takes work!
But as we know, marriage takes two and it is not just one person in the equation. Having run the gamut of public school, private, Montessori and Waldorf, and finally landing on homeschool, I have learned not only about being at home, but I have come to appreciate more deeply HOW the home is run.
And while many tend to think of “home” in terms of paying the bills, making sure dinner is ready, and staying up to date on home education, Catholic moms attest it is keeping the young flock attune to spiritual needs. Which raises the weighty question, “Am I leading by good example?”
Women are the domestic leaders of the church. With that, we carry the burden of so many tasks in the home. And in my own experience thought I had to carry it alone! So, why is it I hear so many moms confront the pain of carrying the brunt of spirituality in their families?
Wives, we’ve all been there. Have you ever stopped and asked your husband, “What are you thinking?” Chances are nothing! As women we are naturally prone to asking probing questions given the nature of our acute feelings and being able to sense that something is off in those intense, stare down moments with a spouse!
This is where we begin to ask, “What about dads!” – and where does a father’s duty truly lie in the home?
I attended a talk for homeschool parents at the new home of Father Mark Moriarty, Holy Family Catholic Church in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. His very informative presentation that answered just this question “What about dads!” and where does a father’s duty truly lie in the home?
In his talk, “Spousal and Family Prayer,” we were reminded that while the Mass IS the model for couples and family prayer. This elevated law of self-sacrifice as reaching its perfection in the Supreme sacrifice of Our Lord on Calvary proves love of God and of neighbor. Outside of the Mass, this love is intensified through the recitation of the Our Father.
But what does one do when your leader is put to death? Who is the replacement?
As Fr. Moriarty explains, it is the fathers in the family that are given the task of becoming the “priests” in the household. He states that being a leader includes not only leading in family prayer, but modeling a person that of asks for forgiveness for wrongdoings — especially from the wife and children and especially in the presence of each.
That sounds pretty harsh, not to mention uncomfortable, but let’s break it down. Fr. Moriarty emphasized that wives are not off the hook either.
During the consecration of the Mass, we are reminded Jesus was put to death; This is an example of the fact that each of us must “die” for Him. He says, “do this in memory of me.” According to Fr. Moriarty even when we do not feel like it, “He wants us to ask Him to remain with us” and help us to sacrifice as He did.
In addition to the father, sons – particularly the eldest son – are needed to be another kind of “priest” within the family unit. The eldest son’s model for good can be demonstrated by his accepting responsibility for leading in prayer. This is reflective of the priest and the Mass.
Prayer in the family begins simply with the structure of prayer of the Mass.
This is accomplished in four ways:
First, we say we are sorry to God. Have you ever read about a saint who was perfect?
Second, use parts of scripture. They should be used to reflect on. They can be used in prayers by using them to meditate on order to know God better which will lead us to know better how to do His Will.
Third, we must ask ourselves how does scripture influence our asking? This requires a word of caution to those who Fr. Moriarty cautions may be merely “navel gazing”. You know, the “I want this or I want that” attitude. It is good to ask if the scripture is bringing you closer to the love of God and of neighbor.
Fourth, how is Scripture influencing your thanksgiving? Prayerful meditation on Sacred Scripture helps us to be grateful for God’s saving action and His ability to transform suffering into holiness and salvation. THIS is what helps one grow.
Now that these four things are in order as they are reflected in the order of the Mass, fathers can now fulfill their obligation to lead in the family and model an effective prayer life to their wife and children. Men’s lives should be ordered in such a way that they are the first to apologize in any heated disagreement first, giving their wife an example to open her heart to God and scripture. Still unsure? Look to the story of Tobit. He did it and so did Jesus!
Some may say wives have a large vocabulary and like to use it. This is why we need men (husbands) to be open to prayer. This is God’s design to equality!
Yes, we wives like to remind our husbands how to dress. As Fr. Moriarty quips, so does Holy Mother Church, “I am married to her and she tells me how to dress, how to talk, and how to pray!” Difference, yes, but it is God’s beautiful design of truly being equal.
In our marriages, guys, do you remember how humbling was it to ask your wife for her hand in marriage? You vowed before God that you would cherish her, yes? Part of being a man is also following up with God in confession. It is the basic rule of forgiveness seventy times seven. The Lord is not embarrassed where we are at in our spiritual weakness or dryness, however, we must NEVER get bored.
Even when we are not feeling up to it, we should never give up on attending to our Sunday obligation or daily scripture. As Father is quick to point out, if families are not attending daily Mass, daily scripture is needed.
Wives are not off the hook. We women need not make things long and complex. Families need to learn to get creative. We should be reciting the Rosary. We can alternate with prayer and Scripture, while keeping the ritual of prayer life steady and regular.
The Psalms are a place to go when we are complaining, mad, sick, or sad. Our shared pain should only increase our love. God’s design is to teach men pain shared with their lifelong companion and wife. What better to share are the joy, pain, and glory than by meditating on the mysteries of the Rosary and exploring them these shared experiences in the Psalms!
Dads, you are encouraged to try this once a week—DO NOT be afraid to pray out loud with your wives and children. We are after all, the primary educators.
